You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
