My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
