Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
