The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
