Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
