OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
