dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
