I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
