Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
