3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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