A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Found the puke drawer
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
