Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
