I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
