ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
