Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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