..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
