I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
