Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
