Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
