3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
