mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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