i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
