woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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