I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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