I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I need moral support for this bender
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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