How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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