I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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