i can't believe i had my finger in that
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
