Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
worst night to have a conscience
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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