in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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