i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just high enough for therapy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
