Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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