if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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