i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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