What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Someone came in the potted fern
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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