I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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