It's a beautiful day for a hangover
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
