It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
