What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
