just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
