You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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