Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
