Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
