Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
