Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
