When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
