yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
