Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
