My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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