Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
